big shoes to fill

I knew from before the girls were even born that my little Lauryn was going to have a mind of her own.  I know it may seem odd to some but in every ultrasound and every doctor appointment it was always baby A that wouldn't cooperate.  She would get in the way so they couldn't get the right picture or she would kick off the baby monitor.  When she was born her tiny little four pound lungs were heard by anyone within a mile.  When she was hungry or wet she wanted attention NOW not in a few minutes when the nurse had time to help her.  Then as soon as we gave her a bottle she wouldn't eat because she wanted to watch everything going on around her.  She finally had to be put in an isolation room.  I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I heard "Good luck with this one"  She was so tiny with these eyes that took up half of her face.  But there has never been a question in her 4 1/2 years of what she wants.  If you don't agree with her quickly enough she takes matters into her own hands.  You might remember the marker all over the room, the cupcakes she made for herself, the multiple haircuts (we just had another one two nights ago).  She is the one who flooded the upstairs bathtub until it was raining in the kitchen downstairs, She dumped fingernail polish all over the chair in her room.  She has relocated most of my silverware to the sandbox and flower bed where she digs for roly polys and worms.  One of her favorite places to play is in my closet.  I get VERY irritated over this one  because then when I go to put shoes on I can only find one of them.  So...to solve this problem I put several of my shoes that I don't wear anymore in her dress up box.  That wasn't good enough.  She wants MY shoes.  So when she came down like this the other day...

My first thought was to make her put them back but something about those tiny little feet in my giant size 10s broke through the crust of my sometimes hard heart.  I realized in that moment that she just wants to be like me.  I know that all of our children need us and our time.  Sometimes more than we think we have to give.  In that moment I realized that  my little Lauryn needs a different part of me then what I had been giving her.  She needs  me to see her more and to be proud of her more.  She needs me to talk to her more.  She needs me more one on one.  It is easy for twins to get clumped together.  Dave and I try to do one on one activities with the girls but it is crucial that this little girl gets her one on one time with me.  I believe God is always trying to teach us.  I wish I was more open to the lessons he presents to me.  For whatever reason I opened my mind on this day.  I am so thankful that I saw this when she was four and not fourteen.  Has this changed everything for my little creative soul?  NOT EVEN CLOSE!  The flood, fingernail polish and one of the haircuts all happened in the past week but I can tell you that it has totally changed the way I am handling this little lady.  The other night after she had to go to bed early because of the fingernail polish instead of letting her little four year old mind wonder why Mom was mad again I decided to go lay down by her.  I realized that her blinds were open which I have asked her for the three years that she has been in her big room to please not open the blinds.  Our neighbors have floodlights that come on all night long and light up their room like its noonday.  So...close the blinds.  As we were laying there before I could say anything about the blinds Lauryn said "Mom, do you see the stars?"  Seriously....she can see stars out her window.  Who wouldn't want to fall asleep looking at the stars.  It took me three years to finally listen instead of speak.  Instead of telling her to close the blinds I simply should have asked why she insisted on having them open.  I must admit I now love to lay down by her and look at the stars.  She has names for them and even tells me who lives on them and what is happening out there.  What have I missed out on over these last three years.  I look forward to these nights.  Maybe one night we will even invite Clara to look with us but for right now...it is just me and Lauryn...