infertility

So I know that most people are fortunate enough to be able to have children by traditional methods. You know...the romantic intimate encounters with your spouse. Well...sadly enough this is how Dave and I have gotten our children. It is unfortunate that I have to take multitudes of pills and inject myself with a ridiculous amount of fluids but...having said that we are EXTREMELY grateful for modern medication. Without it there is a good chance we would be childless. (By the way this box is about the same size as an apple box). Cameron was a result of surgery, Clomid and perganol. I thought it was a fluke and that the next time would be easy. Well...once again I was wrong. So...after several years of injections, ultrasounds, and 2 more surgeries we went for the gusto with in-vitro. We decided to freeze our left over embryos. We were only left with one. We decided that we would transfer this last embryo when our "storage fee" was due. That was last March so I went on the drugs again but surprisingly I felt uneasy and I couldn't sleep. I just didn't feel right about it. Dave and I fasted and prayed and went to the temple. We both felt we should wait. During one of my appointments during this time my Dr. informed me that our embryo didn't look so good so I knew that it might not work. I spent the next few months praying that I would have peace and be able to accept whatever happened. Well...in August I went back on the drugs. Pill popping and giving myself injections. It is not fun. Our transfer date was scheduled for Sep. 3 the day before the girls 2nd birthday. I didn't get a call from the Dr. which meant that all was well with our embryo. Dave and I went to the office to transfer only to have the Dr. take us in his office to tell us our embryo had survived the thaw but was falling apart and it wasn't going to survive. I was heartbroken but in answer to my prayers I was filled with a spirit of peace and calmness. I didn't cry right away and I think it surprised the Dr. At one point he said "It doesn't seem like you really want another baby." He could not be more wrong but what he doesn't understand is that right at that moment, in answer to prayer, I was being comforted by the Spirit. Each time we have failed at having children before I have broken down and been upset and angry. I always "counsel" the Lord instead of "counseling with him". I think I have finally learned the lesson the Lord has been trying to teach me for the last 10 years. To trust him. To treasure the child/children that I have and not worry about the children I think I am supposed to have. Finally for the first time in this road of infertility I was able trust 100% in the Lord. We asked the Lord for something he said No. I am sad but not angry or confused. I am not going to say that I didn't cry. I have cried plenty including crying myself to sleep one night. The difference is I only have cried because I want a baby and not because I am angry or confused just a little sad at times. I think I am done being sad but maybe not. So...if I come and take your tiny infant away from you don't be alarmed I might just need a little "fix". We aren't throwing the crib and baby gear out yet. We know that the Lord can work miracles. I am so grateful every time I look in my child view mirror. You know the one that shows you the back seat instead of the back window. I see those three beautiful faces. Sometimes I look and see the girls holding hands or Cameron leaning over to kiss one of them and I can't stop the tears. Sometimes I look back just in time to see one girl bite the other one or pull hair. I cry then too. (: I look at them and wonder how I could ever ask for anything more. I have already been blessed beyond anything I hoped for. Being married to Dave and having the privilege of raising these three little spirits is overwhelming and truly rewarding. I realize that all three of our children are miracles and an answer to our prayers. I will always be thankful to Heavenly Father for this gift. I am truly blessed.